It’s 2:41 am and I just started opening up my Evernote to write this overflowing answer to that question on the title. I guess I have already spent an hour thinking about the answer until I finally realized that it is something like a story to tell.

So right now this post will just be storytelling. You can skip this if you think storytelling is gonna be boring.

How I ended up like this?

First of all, I don’t think I have to be stressed and I’m not sure if I am even that stressed. But whenever I look at the mirror, it just gives me this “stressed woman look” from the old Stresstab commercial. So if that’s how they define stressed then it means I am.

Honestly, my dream is to be a stay-at-home mom. I am not saying that I wanted to stay at home mom and ask for money from my husband. I want to be someone that earns money with this so-called FREEDOM. Free from having a stressful commuting life. Free from having scheduled work hours and breaks. My dream is that high.

I ended up like this because I am stubborn that’s what my mom always tells me. I am sure you’ve always heard the adults saying “nasa huli ang pag sisisi“. You’ll only be regretful after doing your mistakes. Although you always get a lesson from mistakes, it’s always hard to get back to your feet because some bruises or wounds you get don’t heal in an instant.

My entire adulthood to parenthood was like a beautiful disaster. It’s a phrase that is so hard to explain. It’s very nice and pleasant yet it gives me pain.

Why beautiful disaster?

I was in college and got eaten by B.I. friends. Ending up being an undergraduate! My mother brought me to Zambales(to my dad) to keep me away from those B.I.s. But things got even worse. I didn’t grow up with my father so it was so hard to be good at that time with him.

I got pregnant and went back to my mom because I and my husband were too young to handle things on our own. We’re both shocked. I had my firstborn after 8 mos of pregnancy. I am so blessed to have a mother but I’ve always been a thorn for her.

After two years of awesomeness at home. My mother finally decided to allow me to start working. What do you expect for an undergrad that needed money? Of course, call center is the name!

My mom was like “yey! It’s payback time“. I’ve been working for 5 years now in my entire life, but I never had savings.

When my husband is not yet with us. I was paying my sister to take care of my son. I am paying a portion of everything in our household. What’s always left for me is my allowance. I’m only able to buy something for myself when there’s an incentive that happens once in a blue moon. I tend to be out of the office most of the time because I am always sick and that’s why I’m unable to get incentives all the time.

I’m so happy with having my own baby to raise. I felt like I had a reason to live and keep everything going. But the rest weren’t that nice. I was even diagnosed with hyperthyroidism which runs in both sides of my parents’ blood.

Just to earn more, I transferred company just like what most call center agents do. From Pasay, I moved to BGC Taguig. Travel time back and forth is almost 4 to 6 hours a day. 9 hours or more at work a day. Uncounted hours to spend time with family. Maximum of 4 hours sleep a DAY! Watta healthy lifestyle.

After 6 years, yey I got my second baby. It’s a girl! Well, we’ve just met our quota. I now have a boy and a girl.

Before my pregnancy, everything was good in terms of finances. But I had to experience high-risk pregnancy due to asthma, hyperthyroidism, and super hyperactive allergies. I rarely get allergies and asthma attacks before getting pregnant but everything came back and become active. I had to visit three doctors for my condition. Those were endocrinologist for hyperthyroidism, ob gyne for my pregnancy, and pulmonologist for my asthma. They even wanted me to visit an allergist and ENT because of prolonged hoarseness, allergic rhinitis, and skin allergies.

My wallet and everything was torn apart. I gave birth to my baby girl with hyperbilirubinemia. They sold my laptop and borrowed money from my mom (again, which I haven’t even paid out until’ now) because of our hospital bills. My husband was unable to come to work because he has to be by our side. So we have no income at all. Even all my bitcoins were pulled out from web wallets because we have to.

Were still blessed because after 2 weeks my baby was able to get through everything. She was in a public ward because we had to transfer hospitals(because of financial issues) and she even acquired pneumonia from the patients out there. But God gave her a strong body and was able to conquer them all.

Right now, I kept on paying bills, rent, and buying everything my kiddos need. If I am able to have an excess for my allowance before, now there’s only one bill left for myself as my allowance. That is a 1000 peso bill. That’s all I get for the whole cut-off. I have to sell sandwiches and whatever just to stretch that 1k until the next cut-off.

I’m the only one working for us since my husband gets lesser pay than I do. He’s the one taking care of our kids because it’s hard to find a trustworthy nanny.

While typing all my damned thing here on Evernote, I thought of writing my story as a book. But I am not good at writing and who the hell would read it. What would be the ending? Is it still that miserable in the end? Or just post this on WordPress because I am not a book writer? Hahaha.

Am I stressed or what? Was I able to answer my question or did I just satisfy myself from writing these thoughts? Was it my fault or was it just my faith to live this kind of life? Or… should I just stop thinking about it?

Questions are real! And you’ll know that I just can’t sleep at the moment.

Right now it’s 3:58 am. My mom keeps on asking me to search for #WalangPasok. But to our surprise there is. Now that I am sleepy I will just post it later.

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